how to overcome an eating disorder through running

When I was 18 I "developed" an eating disorder. Kind of like I how developed this wart on my foot. It started to grow, and then it got kind of big, and then I fought with it to go away for a long time, as it fought me to come back, and now it has kind of gotten smaller, and just sits there, barely noticeable, but always there none the less. That is what it was like to be bulimic for me. Only, over an almost 8 year period, and with a lot more emotional and physical turmoil. 

Being bulimic took over every aspect of my life for many many years. It went through its phases, sometime it would be small and I would throw up only a couple of times a week. And some years it would be huge and I would throw up several times a day, closing myself off from the rest of the world. There was a long period where I didn't do it at all (through a pregnancy and for a about a year after) and a long time where it was the only thing I did. (I call this, deployment) It wasn't the only addiction that I experienced that took over my life, but it was one of the most prevalent all consuming ones that I had. And it was the easiest to hide. 

Boredom was the biggest contributing factor in my life with Bulimia. I was an introvert, and I wanted to be alone, but I didn't want to actually go through the process of spending time alone with myself. This is one of the biggest problems with an addict. They don't like to be out in the world, but they don't actually like to be alone with themselves, so they look for something to fill the time spent there. Through drinking, drugs, food, or whatever it may be, its all about avoidance of time and avoidance of feeling. Avoidance of self.

As I got older, I had a kid and got married (yep... in that order) and the desire to grow out of my eating disorder became much stronger then my desire to be in it. But its hard to quit something, especially something that has taken over your life so strongly for so long. In February of 2009 I got saved. It has been the single most life changing thing that has happened to me, but it didn't "cure" my addiction. God changes us, but He doesn't make our lives better. We need to do that on our own free will, with that change he made inside us. I needed something tangible in my life, that would fill that void that I had always filled with food.

This is about the time in my life where I started running more consistently in the efforts to quit being bulimic, and it was HARD. If you have ever tried to quit smoking then you know what I'm talking about. It is easy to think about the idea of quitting, of wanting to be a better person, but the actual physical action of changing is very hard. Every day, I sat on my couch and made the choice of weather I was going to go out and run or to give into my addiction. Many times I failed, not making it anywhere. I often remember pacing around my house for hours, unsure of what decision I was going to make, literally lost in myself.

And sometimes I would get out and go for my run, conquering my battle for the day. Slowly at first, but more and more often as the years went by. Sometimes I made it as far as the end of my block before turning around, and more times then I can count, I broke down in the middle of my run, crying on the side of the road, overwhelmed. But I always tried again. And I always prayed. 

My pastor once said that the only way to quit an addiction is to have it, experience the physical and mental pain of withdraw, and to not give in. I'm sure he said it in more profound words, but you get the point. Even though I am "cured" I am always still an addict, and I will always be an addict. Every day is a battle for me and I have to make the conscious choice to fight the battle. But every day I choose to run, is a day I get that much stronger.