I woke up for my 9 mile run this morning and its 12 degrees out.... 12!!! Well that is with the windchill, but Oh-MY-gosh! So I am opting to run my tomorrows 3 today, and my 9 tomorrow when the weather is supposed to be in the low 40s. I know I should do it the other way around for optimal muscular benefits, but did I mention to you that it is 12 degrees out!
So I stepped on the scale this morning for the first time in almost a week, which isnt very typical for me. I normally weigh my self every morning, at the same time every morning. You can read about why here. Its pretty interesting! But I was in the hospital for 4 days this week, and wanted to give my body a little bit of time to even out.
I have pretty much been consistently around 123.6 (give or take) for months... Years it seems. My weight fluctuated a bit when I was bulimic. Really heavy binges and purges, in efforts to try to get myself to loose any weight that I would have been taking in. I always told myself that if I threw up everything that I took in, and then didnt eat again, that I would loose weight. I tried that for years, and some times I did, and sometimes I didnt. More often then not I stayed the same or gained. I learned over the years that you dont exactly purge out all of the calories you take in from a binge, resulting in me taking in a lot of unknown calories. Its a horrible, non rewarding and painful cycle. I developed a lot of body images during these years in my life. I never wanted to be thin, I wanted to look like Jillian Michaels. Tone body, 6 pack of abs, you know, the usual. But I didnt want to give up eating the things that I loved either, so I became bulimic as a way to solve all the problems in the world.
8 years later I have finally beat the battle. I have beat the battle temporarily before, but have always relapsed. Now, after a LOT of hard work and determination, and more hard work... and some mental break downs, I have beat it. But I still have a lot of body images. I wish I could say I didnt, but I do. I see myself differently in the mirror then I used to though. I now see what other people see of me instead of what I have seen of myself for so long, which was part of the mental process of healing, but I still want to look like Jillian Michaels and I am doing it the HEALTHY way now. By fine tuning my diet, cutting out sweets and un needed fats, and exercising regularly. Its been an amazing journey that has been extremely hard. Ill talk more about the journey in my blog later.
Today I woke up at 121.0 The last time i have seen that number is when restricting myself of food and having serious binge and purge episodes. The last time i have seen that number, food controlled my life. Last time I saw that number is before I got pregnant with my son, and I was in one of my worst phases of my life... Hence, my ex-husband. But today I am healthy and happy and eat well and snack sometimes, and run often and pray.
Seeing 121 on the scale is no longer a burden for me to uphold and control me. But a glorious number that is the result of happiness and hard work. Today is a good day!!!! (But its only 9 am, we will see where it goes from here) :)
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