Running through the pain of life: why I run. A personal post.

This is a personal post for me to write.

It is one of those weeks where life is really hitting the fan. We have been struggling for a while financially, every month having a little less money, being a little later on our rent, eating a little less healthy. We end most weeks with pennies left in our account until we get another paycheck, of which about 80% goes to bills, and we manage to get by with gas for the car, and whatever else we have leftover for food. I can't even tell you the last time we bought something just for the sake of buying it. Toilet paper. Yep, that was a big expense this week.

And it sucks. But we manage, and we have so much love in our little family that it doesn't matter if we have nothing else to do but snuggle on the couch and go to the park, and that I am thankful for. But it sucks. I mean, I am really lost on what to do.

But it has been getting better, or at least WILL be better soon cause we are finally getting caught up on bills, and they won't be taking as much of our checks by the end of the year. But this week we ran out of time. Due to having to payback a totally unexpected bank loan we were unable to pay our rent this week, and it got to a last straw with our landlord and now we are being kicked out of our house. We received a 3 day notice to leave, or they will proceed with an eviction. There is no way we can leave within 3 days, so we will be evicted. I don't know what all that entails, but I know it isn't good, and we have no where to go. We found an apartment, but they guy asked why we needed to move so soon and I told him, and now I am pretty sure he won't rent to us. Who knows, but that's what I think.

So I sit. I pray, I ask God for guidance on what to do, where to go. I pray that he will help us, as I have been praying for so long. For him to help us. But outside of praying, what can I do?

I used to drink. A lot. When I felt so lost and so hopeless, I would drink till I didn't feel lost and hopeless anymore. It always fixed the situation temporarily, but the issues were all still there of course. It's all I knew to do to get out of my own head.

But there came a time in my life, a few years ago, where I didn't want to drink to kill the pain anymore. I knew that the pain in my life would always be there, and if I continued to drink I would continue to be an alcoholic. And if I was an alcoholic I couldn't be a wife or a mother, or a human being. So I started running. I came up with a motto - 1 mile for every beer I wanted to drink. So if I was dealing with an exceptionally hard problem, I was probably going to go on a longer run that day. Over the years, not right away, it started to work, and I started running more then I started drinking. It was probably the hardest thing I ever did.

These past few weeks I have been running a lot more because frankly, I don't know what the heck else to do with myself. I am 25 weeks pregnant, so drinking when I am upset isn't even on the table, but that doesn't mean the feelings are not there. When I found out yesterday we were being evicted, I didn't know what to do with myself. I was devastated. When I would drink, the problem would still be there, but I would feel a little worse. Yesterday instead I went for a run and even though my problem was still there, I felt a little bit better.  So I did the same today. And if my body is doing ok, I'll do the same tomorrow.

"If your tired of starting over, stop giving up."