The beginning stages of race directing

So I'm officially on year 3 of starting my own race directing business. It's an exciting and completely confusing place to be, as is most things in life.

The first race I ever put on was the first annual Broke Man's Half marathon. This free, non permitted race taught me a lot of event planning, but not too much about legit race planning. It was a great place to get my feet wet because with no cost was no expectations, so everything that did go well was just an added bonus and I was able to see if I was truly cut out for what I thought was my dream job.

At the end of that year I landed what I thought was my dream job as a regional race director for a national company. While it turned out to be such an AWFUL company to work for, and the job ended after the execution of the first race series for the National Veterans Day Run, it turned out to be a no-joke crash course in the race directing business after 4 races in 2 days. What an awful experience that I am so thankful for.

The next race I did was the following fall with the second annual Broke Man's Half Marathon. This was my favorite race. It was all mine with no higher end up front expenses. I was able to put on a great race with about fifty bucks in my pocket. This race taught me a lot about my passion and what people want. And don't want.

I followed that one up with a low key veterans day race on my own, as the company I worked for the year prior disbanded, and was happy with this small race despite a lot more complications then I had hoped for. Another learning experience.

So now here I am here, at the end of 2014, preparing for my 2015 race series and where I want it to go.

The beginning is always the most daunting stages of race planning. The PLANNING part. Lots of phone calls are made in the beginning stages and lots of carefully thought out dreams are finally spoken into words to complete strangers. Lots of dreams are crushed in the beginning stages of the race planning.

I can't tell you how many times I have been so happy and positive about an idea I had, to finally get up the courage to make the necessary phone calls to start execution for the plan just to receive an over the phone slap in the face. Oh those over the phone slaps are so painful.

The race directing world is not a do what you want field, and as an inexperienced entrepreneur I struggle with a do what I want attitude. It's taken a few years to realize my races are not about what I want even if what I want is for the people. My races are #1 - about what is actually possible and #2 - about what the people issuing my permits and approvals want. #3 - its a lot of what the people paying for the registrations want, and #4 - my vision.

Who knew?

So the first thing to do in the beginning stages of a new race is to take a deep breath, smile politely, and go for a lot of runs. Because it isn't easy to be told no all the time. Or that's not possible, or your idea is bad, or I don't have time for you, or to be treated like you have no clue what your doing. Because I'm young most people think I have no clue what I'm talking about I assume, and it's a hard ball to swing at over and over again.

But you learn over the years that as long as you keep taking a deep breath and picking up that phone again and again things will always get better. You will eventually find someone who thinks your ideas are great and want your vision to succeed. And by the time it's all done and over, your race will be done and over and you can focus on all the positive feedback you receive, and your able to forget about all the phone slaps that had to happen to make it all happen.

And pretty soon you'll be planning for the next year...

Running around Ohio

I have decided that I would like to run around Ohio...

This is what my estimated route would be as a step one in route planning. A lot of changes will be made to accommodate the most appropriate route for running, as well as the best campgrounds and cities to stop in along with way, this map is just the first step in my thought process of turning this dream into a reality.

It's not necessarily my dream to run around Ohio per say, but more along the lines to do something to get people to notice me. I have always wanted to be an important person in my field. A name people recognize, someone that is asked to speak at events, write articles for magazines, gets invited to all the runs and then asked for my review, and most importantly, a sponsored athlete who lands a cover on Runner's World Magazine. Is that so much to ask for? I don't want to be on TV or have a million follwers on Twitter, in fact my stats on social media are abysmal compared to anyone really. I still haven't found the secret to having as many Instagram followers as my high school brother, but I'm working on it.

I've learned that in this day and age, the possibilities are endless if you want it bad enough. However because of this, competition has become rough to make a name for yourself in your field. There's a thousand people headed in your direction no matter where your going, so if you want to be noticed you need to stand out.

So I've decided in order to stand out I need to do something epic.

I've followed stories of people running across america and have always been fond of the running wanderer, most likely stemming from my undying love of the movie Forrest Gump, and I sat down at the computer to throw some ideas around. The first thing I realized is that with (soon-to-be) three small children, running across America isn't something I can really commit to at this point in my life.

So I started throwing around some more ideas and eventually brainstormed my way into running around Ohio. It's a long enough commitment to where I can make the kind of splash that I hope to make, but not severe enough to where I can't bring my kids with me on my journey before school resumes again for the fall.

What does running around Ohio's boarder look like?

I'm nervous about even mentioning this, because it's such a high hoped dream that depends on A LOT of things happening outside of my control over the next year and I'm sure, as with everything that I do, I'll get a lot of crazy looks and words of doubt. But throwing the idea out to the world is the first step to making a dream a reality.

Time frame - July 2015- September 2015 with approx 6 weeks of running.

Dream

I have a "motto" that I live by. Like most people in this day and age, you have a hashtag of some sorts, something small and powerful to blast all over the internet that describes who you are and what you stand for. I played around for many years on what mine was until I found it...

Dream Big. Inspire Others. Run Long. 

Or in short

Dream Inspire Run

I hold these values very near and dear to me. They are what I live by in my personal life, and what I spread to the world when they see me from the outside. But which one is the foundation. Which one of the trinity is the strongest and makes the other two go round. 

Dream. 

or in my case

DREAM BIG

Dreaming big is what drives me to do what I do. The many things that I involve my life in and take up my time, that pay me in smiles and not dollars, is because of my dream. My dream to be more; to do more; to accomplish more and see more and make a bigger difference and even grander memories. I'm not going to go into the specifics of this post on what my dreams are, as I am a little salty about them and whether or not I believe they will ever come true, but I think we all go through rough patches in our lives. Even a few days can feel like a derailment, but if your dedicated and strong willed, a few days wont matter in the long run. 

Our dreams are what drive us to do what we do, which is why it is so important to dream, and more importantly to believe in those dreams, however crazy and impossible they sound. 

Have you ever accomplished something you never thought you would? Can you remember the time where that was just a crazy idea in the back of your mind?  Now that you have accomplished it does it still seem so crazy, or does the worry you once had seem like the crazy thing. 

Don't forget your dreams. Don't squish them or make them small for others. Don't ever stop doing what your doing. Have you ever heard the term. 

'Life is about finding the people who are  your kind of crazy'

It's true, for every hater there is someone else who has the same passion that you do, you just have to find them. 

And in our social media driven world that is often times as easy as a hashtag. 

Try it. 

And always

#dreaminspirerun

Knowing when to cut a run short

I am thankful for my Garmin, cause without it I wouldn't have had this great blog post for you guys.

I went for a run this evening. I have felt fine all day, a little tight since my 8 miler yesterday, but nothing serious. I mapped out a 13 mile route and waited until the weather hit its warmest point and left for my run. 

Right from the start I wasn't feeling it. Not a typical I don't feel like running feeling, but I was struggling. I know I often have the issue of running too fast on my easy runs, so I kept telling myself I wasn't feeling right because of the weather, because my legs were tight, because I needed to slow down. Lot's of reasons. And lot's of times the reasons are completely accurate. This evening was not the case. 

My heart wasn't in it. My heart and mind aren't in every run that I do, but my actual heart wasn't in this one. It just didn't feel good. 

I told myself I'd make it to 4 and then evaluate whether I should turn right to continue or keep going to head home. I figured after 4 miles your body is in the run enough to determine what your right course of action is. I kept going to head home. It was a difficult 5 miles. I don't often have difficult 5 miles at an easy pace. 

So I plugged my Garmin in to upload my run and check out my stats. 

Take note of my heart rate in this picture. This is what you don't want your heart rate to do when your running. Notice how it just keeps elevating? Even with me running at an easy pace for myself, my heart rate continued to raise. And raise. 

(SIDE NOTE: I always run at about 80%-95% of my MHR. I'm not sure why, I have always known it, but it always seems to be that way no matter my pace. When I do speed work its well over 100%. My Vo2Max is about 46, so I recover well.)

Lets compare it to this one. This is the first 9 of a 16 miler I did at an easy pace. Despite the fact that my heart rate elevates slightly, over the course of time it generally stays the same. 

Apparently I have a good cadence.

Disclaimer, I drank 1-2 cups of coffee before each of these runs. 

Your heart rate is supposed to raise a little for the first mile or two, but then it should level off. If it doesn't and keeps raising then you know something is wrong and your heart just can't catch up. 

Trust yourself and your instincts. Don't be a hero or let a pre-set number determine your day. If your not feeling good, there is probably a reason. You can always try again tomorrow. 

36+ weeks pregnant update and a baby bump pic. Also, what's my favorite food?

Yes, I am still here. And so is my belly. It's been slightly difficult writing a runners blog when I am not really running right now. It's officially been a month of no running. Not the first time I have stopped for that long, and I have always bounced back well. So as long as this baby comes soon, we will be ok. 

So here is a pic of my bump. I am 36 weeks and 3 days. That's enough time to bake this boy right? Apparently not. 

Weight as of this morning: 151.2

That is just over 26 lbs gained. Not too shabby still. I am impressed it didn't shoot up when I stopped running, but I'm not really over eating by any means, so that helps I'm sure. I am seeing the Dr. every week now which stinks cause he is so far away! I had an internal test that measured that I am not at all dilated at this point. I was hoping I was, but apparently your dilation doesn't determine anything on how soon you are going to deliver. I also got to have an unplanned ultra sound at my apt. When the dr measured my belly I only measured 33cm (your supposed to match your weeks for the most part) so I got checked out to see what was up. Everything looked good and I got to see some huge baby cheeks!!! (on the face)

Baby weighed in at 6lbs 5oz. So everything looks right on track :)

I haven't showered yet, so you get a belly only shot. 

But one thing we can talk about is food. What is my favorite food?

Well my FAVORITE food is probably vegan mexican food. Loads of black beans and veggies piled with guac and salsa rolled up in a tortilla... yummmm.... But my second favorite food, which I eat pretty much all the time is....

drum roll pleeeeasee!

My huge monstrous salads. 

Now that's not a regular sized bowl people. That's actually the bowl I mix it in. Why waste another bowl? I actually couldn't finish this bad boy. But they are great to save in the fridge, add some lettuce the next day and you get another meal!

I eat these all the time. With my husband working late shifts half the week, there are plenty of meals where its just me and C or even just me and I usually don't feel like cooking up something shnazy when it's just me. So I throw together these salads. 

My husband is constantly bringing home left over side salads from his work cause they will just throw them away at night. So I'll throw in 1-2 of those as my base. Then it varies what I put inside, but only slightly cause I like what I like. 

I always put in a protein. Usually hard boiled eggs. But if I don't have any eggs I'll add a veggie burger or if I have a veggie deli meat randomly in the fridge (kind of like a chef salad)

I ALWAYS add peas, onion, nuts (usually chopped almonds) and dried fruit (usually craisins)

Everything else can very. I rarely add cheese. If it is in the particular side salad he brings home Ill keep it in, but I never add it. 

All the other veggies that go in depend on what I have laying around. Sometimes tomatoes, sometimes broccoli, carrots, avocado. Really whatever I want. ITS MY SALAD!

There is usually way more veg then salad. So its kind of a veggie... salad... dish... thing. 

I NEVER add...

heavy dressings. Lite dressing or oil and vinegar, salt and pepper is all you need here people. 

never add croutons. The almonds give you enough crunch and there is enough carbs in this bad boy already.

Only add one fat. If you add cheese dont add avocado, egg yolk, other fats. And visa versa. I find avocado to be the best fat cause when you stir it in it coats kind of like a dressing, reducing the need for a dressing. 

My favorite thing about these salads is that they take forever to eat. So if your alone and have a habit of just over munching cause you have nothing else to do, these are the way to go. Maybe I just eat really slowly, but by the time I have finished this bad boy I don't care to munch on anything else. I'll probably have some fruit in an hour as a snack though. 

And the nutrition... out of this world. 

On another note.

I made a mobile for the baby. My husband painted this entire wall with trees and birds. He added the bible verse 

"He will cover you with His feathers and under his wings you will find refuge" Psalms 41:9 (I think!)

Then I took a branch that was used as a centerpiece from our wedding (see it stuck to the wall) and made a bunch of origami cranes and attached it to them and we hung it right above his crib.

How cute is that!!

I know... I'm pretty creative :)

What is your go to meal when you are home alone for dinner?

Do you have any tricks to getting loads of nutrition in in one meal?

Lunch on the run - how to pack a healthy meal to go

First things first. Let's talk about running. Since this is a RUNNING BLOG! Or the waaay lack of running that has been going on in my life lately.

I have not ran since the day before Christmas eve. I tried a run a few days after that, but was so uncomfortable that I GAVE UP after .85 miles. 

Whoop whoop!

I'm not really stressing out about it though as I thought that I would. I have still been walking, and I do a workout video when I feel the need to sweat. But right now with the extra 25 lbs strapped to me just cleaning my house and running errands makes me tired enough. I am however anxious to see where I'm at after the baby comes. Will I have to start back from ground zero or will I have kept my base line up? I am sure that I have kept my baseline up since I am packing this extra weight that my muscles have grown to accommodate. We will see I guess.

Good thing most runners are also highly obsessed with food as well. 

One thing I cannot WAIT for is to get back to yoga. Most people say they do more yoga when they become pregnant because they enjoy how relaxing it is. I would have to say I have done significantly less but maybe I do a different kind of yoga from them.

Remember when I used to be able to do this!!

Now lets talk about lunch on the run. 

If you know me you know that I am a huge advocate to packing healthy snacks or planning out your meals so that if you have to be stuck outside of the house during meal times you wont drive to the closest fast food place and eat something naaasty. It's partly for cost, eating out is expensive!! But its mostly for taste. I am so picky I cant eat at fast food restaurants, and I have become even more picky since becoming pregnant. Healthy picky that is.

What on earth would a health nut vegetarian eat at a fast food place. A side salad? I'll pass. 

Yesterday I ate lunch in 2 parts. The first part was some banana banana bread that I made earlier this week. Its SUPER banana-y and way addicting. And of course a smoothie. I have been obsessed with smoothies lately. High nutrition... so tasty. And of course my giant bottle of water that I love!

About a half an hour later I had to run out of the house and didn't know if I would be hungry or not. So I grabbed something real quick to take with me since it was about noon and I knew I wouldn't be back till after 3. 

2 home made tortillas, topped with a black bean and veggie mix I made the night before on my pregnant quesadillas and topped it with cheese. 

I mean, where can you get this at a fast food joint? And the cost?? Like a buck for both probably. It was gooooood.

My passengers on the go

Oh, and I didn't even eat them till I got home anyways :/

And my blueberry treat that I have been obsessed with lately. This one wasn't as thick as the day befores, but it was so good. I would give up ice cream forever for frozen fruit. 

I have never felt that way before... 

I feel so grown up!

Now if I could just figure out how to paint my nails...

Running through the pain of life: why I run. A personal post.

This is a personal post for me to write.

It is one of those weeks where life is really hitting the fan. We have been struggling for a while financially, every month having a little less money, being a little later on our rent, eating a little less healthy. We end most weeks with pennies left in our account until we get another paycheck, of which about 80% goes to bills, and we manage to get by with gas for the car, and whatever else we have leftover for food. I can't even tell you the last time we bought something just for the sake of buying it. Toilet paper. Yep, that was a big expense this week.

And it sucks. But we manage, and we have so much love in our little family that it doesn't matter if we have nothing else to do but snuggle on the couch and go to the park, and that I am thankful for. But it sucks. I mean, I am really lost on what to do.

But it has been getting better, or at least WILL be better soon cause we are finally getting caught up on bills, and they won't be taking as much of our checks by the end of the year. But this week we ran out of time. Due to having to payback a totally unexpected bank loan we were unable to pay our rent this week, and it got to a last straw with our landlord and now we are being kicked out of our house. We received a 3 day notice to leave, or they will proceed with an eviction. There is no way we can leave within 3 days, so we will be evicted. I don't know what all that entails, but I know it isn't good, and we have no where to go. We found an apartment, but they guy asked why we needed to move so soon and I told him, and now I am pretty sure he won't rent to us. Who knows, but that's what I think.

So I sit. I pray, I ask God for guidance on what to do, where to go. I pray that he will help us, as I have been praying for so long. For him to help us. But outside of praying, what can I do?

I used to drink. A lot. When I felt so lost and so hopeless, I would drink till I didn't feel lost and hopeless anymore. It always fixed the situation temporarily, but the issues were all still there of course. It's all I knew to do to get out of my own head.

But there came a time in my life, a few years ago, where I didn't want to drink to kill the pain anymore. I knew that the pain in my life would always be there, and if I continued to drink I would continue to be an alcoholic. And if I was an alcoholic I couldn't be a wife or a mother, or a human being. So I started running. I came up with a motto - 1 mile for every beer I wanted to drink. So if I was dealing with an exceptionally hard problem, I was probably going to go on a longer run that day. Over the years, not right away, it started to work, and I started running more then I started drinking. It was probably the hardest thing I ever did.

These past few weeks I have been running a lot more because frankly, I don't know what the heck else to do with myself. I am 25 weeks pregnant, so drinking when I am upset isn't even on the table, but that doesn't mean the feelings are not there. When I found out yesterday we were being evicted, I didn't know what to do with myself. I was devastated. When I would drink, the problem would still be there, but I would feel a little worse. Yesterday instead I went for a run and even though my problem was still there, I felt a little bit better.  So I did the same today. And if my body is doing ok, I'll do the same tomorrow.

"If your tired of starting over, stop giving up."

22 weeks pregnant and running (still!)

Running has been great. I haven't been running long or far, 4-5 miles usually, 3x per week, but I am getting more consistent and I feel great while doing it.

Quick baby bump update:
I am 22 weeks right now. As I mentioned in the last post, 2 weeks ago we found out we are having a BOY!! and we are naming him Patrick Benjamin Cordova. Patrick is my dad (who passed away 4 years ago)'s name and Benjamin is Abraham's dad, who is very much alive, so he gets second place. :) I have gained a whopping 10 lbs (feels like 31!) and my appetite is steadily increasing, but I am trying to keep it healthy for now. I plan on gaining about 10 lbs between thanksgiving and Christmas so I need to plan for that. Patrick moves a ton, and is slowly breaking my hips, something I am trying to combat through exercise and a maternity belt. We will see how it goes. Overall we are so excited and ready to meet our little guy.

Yesterday I went for a run at a park called Battelle Darby Creek MetroPark. Ohio has some of the most beautiful metro parks (for what they are and whats around them, they are amazing). This one I had never been to before, but I wanted to go running before picking my husband up from work and heading to Corbin's t-ball pizza party (you know, so I could eat more pizza) and this park was pretty close by. I was able to head out early and by pass traffic, and ended up what I thought was the entrance to the park. It was definitely an entrance, but the wrong side. The HILLY side. This pic is me standing at the bottom of the first hill. Oh well.

So I started running. I ran on the straightaways, jog-trudged up the hills, and waddled on the down hills. They were so steep! I looked at a trail map, realized I had no clue where I was, and started running again. I quickly looped the hills and ended up at the bottom of this hill again. Humph. So I turned the other way and started along. EVENTUALLY I found the parking lot I should have parked at and as I passed the path seemed to level out and suddenly there were runners everywhere! I must have missed the memo. After another 30 min or so I found another trail map. Looking down at it I realized quickly that they were just copies of each other and the YOU ARE HERE dot was the same as the last. I decided to not worry much about it, looped around a little longer, and turned to run back to my side of the parking lot. The weather couldn't have been better. 65, sunny, I felt great. 50 minutes total. About 4.5 mi.

I wore my maternity belt, as I have been on my runs. I don't know if it helps, but it feels good to wear as it kind of squeezes my hips in a little. I don't know who the model is that wears it, because it does not look like that on me. I'm not a big girl by any means, but I do have a little wiggle in the middle, and this belt likes to squeeze all the wiggle and give me what I like to call my baby muffin top. :( I'll write more on that later.

But over all running has been awesome. The more pregnant I get the more I just want to run. I have a feeling all the hormones and the lack of alcohol have made a little beast develop inside me, and this is how it will be tamed. I am improving my time, distance, and consistency. But I am by no means pushing myself, I just do what feels good for that day. My hips still hurt like a mug though.

Cleveland marathon - round 2

Corbin and I getting ready at the starting line. He ate half of my banana.

What can I say, he is excited for me. 

This is me pulling in just after the split from the half and the full. Still in tact, but HOT!

Dying just after 22, the heat started getting to me. 

Yesterday was the Cleveland Marathon. I ran it last year and had such a HORRIBLE experience I never wanted to run it again. I tried to find the post I wrote on it last year, but I can't seem to find it. I'll post the link when I do. Needless to say, it was put on my "to don't" list immediately after. So of course, after attempting to train for several other marathons that took place earlier in the year, I was completely thwarted in all and ended up only being able to find time to train for the Cleveland again. 

So, with determination I trained. I took some time off of running in Jan and Feb due to my outrageous work and school schedule at the time and did my first run of the year on March 15th. In a matter of 2 months I was able to increase my long runs by 2-4 miles each week, and only fit in one 3-6 miler in addition. Sometimes if my light was load I would squeeze in another but not often. That, on top of teaching 9-13 classes a week (yoga mostly, some strength and 1 spinning class per week) and hopping on the bike a few times a week I was able to train for the marathon with no... I repeat NO injuries. Due to the insane amount of pain I was in last year when I trained, every time I finished a long run I wanted to cry and scream with utter happiness. 

Despite about a million obstacles that faced us last weekend, I cooked up a big pot of homemade fettuccine alfredo on saturday night, we all snuggled on the couch and watched a movie, and were in bed by 1030 pm. I prepped all of my stuff for the morning, camelback, clothes, big bag of skittles, headphones, shoes, sugar free rock star!!!

We were up at 315 and out the door by 345. We stopped by tim hortons and grabbed a bagel before we headed out. I  usually ate a homemade bagel and egg sandwich but we were out of bagels :(, but I ate up and me and Corbin zonked out by the time we hit the freeway. My wonderful husband drove up the 2+ hours while me and Corbin slept. An amazing man he is. We showed up right a 6 am, and while we were driving around lost on where to go we ended up finding an awesome parking spot that was only $4 for the day and less then a mile to the start. Hello plethora of good signs! The only bad sign that arose before the start of the event was the fact that I was comfortable in a t-shirt and shorts by that point. This could only mean that things were going to heat up quickly through out the morning. I was able to make it to the bathroom (#1 AND #2, which is always a plus) and make it to the stadium just in time for the national anthem. I kissed my husband and my son good by and was off to the starting line in a great mood. Well... as close to the start line as I could manage. The gun went off at 7 and I crossed with ease around 7:11. I had no fear, no anxiety, and no pain. 

I learned not to listen to music in the beginning of a long run. There is usually a lot going on, and when you spend almost 5 hours on the road, music starts to get really boring towards the end, which is when you usually need it the most. The first 6 miles went by very smoothly, although it was warm, when you were in the shade, which was about 1/2 of the time the weather couldn't have been better. I took a bathroom break around mile 6. I should have waited cause it was an exceptionally long wait, and I feel that I killed too much time. But I was in and out quick and decided it was time for headphones. I also started to get REALLY hungry at that point, and despite all the food I felt I ate, I don't think it was enough. I wonder if the heat had anything to do with using food faster for energy,  I don't know. Thankfully I had my skittles and chomped on some for a little. Finally seeing a GU stop I learned from the last marathon to stock up! So I grabbed 2 and ate one immediately and threw the other in my camelback (man those things are useful!)  


I hit the first half around 2:15 and my husband and son were waiting there for me at this spot. It was great to see them. I was feeling awesome, and my pace was awesome, but I was starting to get very hot. There was a lot of sun, and even though the temp said it was only in the low-mid 70's, the sunlight was direct and there was minimal shade since we were running on the streets. I said hi to them and they ran with me for about a block and we parted ways again. My water stops had been minimal up to this point. I didn't need it in the first few stops and by the time I did it seems that so did everyone else and they were running out at the tables. I was again thankful that I had my camelback cause I could drink my water gato mix whenever I pleased. When the half and the full split the numbers dropped insanely, 50:1 it seemed, so things really cleared up. Most runners actually ditched the street and hit the sidewalks in search of any shading from the trees. This was a good way to go. The water became more frequent also and at every water station they were spraying all the runners that went by with the giant water hose. I think this was the thing that saved me. I hit the hose, and the water hard at every stop. For a while I was just drinking some and dumping the rest on my head. Then it became drinking 1-1 1/2 and dumping the rest on my head. Then drinking 1- 1 1/2 water and 1 gatorade and dumping whatever was left on me.

Just after mile 16 we hit a park that had a lot of shade. It also had a bike path so I jumped off the road and hit the bike path here, and I was getting a little tired and was in need of more food at this point. I couldn't find my extra GU, it must have fallen out of my pouch, so I noshed on some more skittle to tide me over. The park was nice and quite and it was a good run pick me up after all the heat.  I remembered this part last year. I remember crying, I remember wanting to quit, to give up. I remember hyperventilating when I hit mile 18 and I remember being in so much pain. This year, I was trucking a long, tired, but awesome. We went back onto the streets after 19, and there was another GU  stop here. I grabbed 2 more. I also started walking for about 20 seconds at each stop to drink water and recover for a few seconds. That seemed to help. 

At mile 20 we hit a path that ran across the lake. Last year this is where the wind picked up, it started to get cold and rainy and it smelled like dead fish. This year was just pretty. It was hot though, the sun was rising and there was no protection from it, we left the path at 22 and I wanted to yell at some volunteers to find out is any of the course was shaded! I didn't, and at about 22 1/2 I saw my husband and son again. They were waiting in a building in the shade with water for me. I drank some and Abraham poured the rest on my head. I shed my tank top and took a break for about 5 minutes or so. I highly debated weather I could finish or not the entire time I was standing there. I was in pain (don't take a break at 22 or your legs will yell at you) and I was angered by the sun. But after I cooled down and my husband pep talked me into continuing, I did and after a few blocks my pace was strong again. There were a lot of water stops, big hoses, enough shade and enough people now that we were back in the city to keep me trucking along. I changed my music to something crazy up beat and trucked along with every mile till the end. I felt amazing. 

When I rounded the corner to the downhill finish (thank you Cleveland) I saw the 26 flag and felt like crying. I love that feeling of overwhelming happiness because of accomplishment, triumph over obstacles and punching fear in the face with courage. I pulled into the starting line and sprinted it home with a 5:08 on the clock. I take away 11 for the start time and 5 for the break (yes, yes I will) that puts me in at a 4:52. That is a freaking 36 minutes faster then last year. With the insane amount of heat I faced, I'll take it!

I came up with a shirt Im gonna wear next year 
"I celebrate my curves because I celebrate my runs with pizza and beer.. and sometimes cookies"

Blinded by the light, running against the wind

Today I had a 3 mile run. I wanted to write a little bit about it cause it was kind of harsh, despite the fact that it was only a 3 mile run! I rested yesterday, cause frankly I just ran out of time to run, so I felt fresh and ready to go. My plan was to end my run at Panera Bread cause they were giving away free lunch to Military people, sweet! When I walked outside it was close to 60 degrees, and yes it is 4 days before Christmas, and I was really excited to see how fast I could get to Panera since I knew at least 2/3 of my run would be flat or down hill, which never happens where I live.
So I looped my street once and headed out to high st to run the 1.7 miles south to Panera. I felt ok and was trucking along pretty well until I turned. The ground was wet. Not just wet, but saturated. (The news actually said that today's weather was going to be "saturating rain". They were right.)  Despite the fact that it had stopped raining and the sun was shining, everything in sight was completely covered in water. The sun was shining so brightly in the Southern sky by this point in the day (noon) that it I had to look down to the ground in order to run. But when I looked down, the reflection was so bad from the saturated earth, that I couldnt look down either. I literally had no where to look, which is hard when you are running on a crappy sidewalk next to a busy street.
Besides the sun, there was the wind. It was WINDY out today. It was so strong from the south, which of course is where I was heading, that it felt like every time I picked up my feet, they didn't go too much further from where they started. I felt instantly defeated in my attempts to make a great time on this run. I pushed aside the feeling of being bummed and tried to think of just making it at this point. I couldn't see and I was barely moving. What the heck!
Every time I have to run in the wind I want to quit. It is really hard to run in the wind! Bad weather, you can deal cause that is just being uncomfortable, but when you are pushing against the wind, things become kind of ridiculous because you tend to not move anywhere, which is the point of running. There is a movie I watch once called The Spirit of the Marathon, which is a really good movie to get you motivate. I lied in my bed relaxing as much as I could the night before I ran my first marathon, trying to channel excitement for the next day . But there is a scene of this lady, I forget her name, but she is a world famous long distance runner, and there in this scene she goes out and runs like 20 miles next to an open road in Montana. When she is done she talks about how intense the wind was, but how it was important to train in it. Every time I have to run against the wind I think about that scene and how much harder it must have been for her, and where I wanted to be as a runner one day, and then I push through it.
I cranked out my last 1/2 mile with what felt like a 10 min mile time. I was disappointed and glad to be done. The moment I stopped running my lungs and neck started burning. Burning like I hadnt done any cardiovascular activity in years. I dont know if the pain was cause I was getting stronger, or getting weaker. I guess ill find out later. It was a horrible pain, but it subsided after a minute or so of deep breaths.
As I was pacing around trying to catch my breath I looked down at my phone to see my time. 25:18. Honestly I was blown away. Not only was that one of my fastest times, I felt like I did horribly, which means that if the weather would have been right I could have gone so much faster. I decided that I should try not to beat myself up when running and just try my best.

Relapse of thoughts and anxiety

Not loving that thing that I love so much today...

I have been super antsy about food all day today and it has been driving me nuts! I used to be antsy about food all of the time when I had my eating disorder, which was probably one of the main reasons for it. I used to have really bad anxiety, for more things other then food of course, it was more of an anxiety of life. But a lot of it generated into food because I could make myself feel better after my bout of anxiousness, by throwing it all up. Many people that have ever had issues with bulimia will tell you that purging is such a release, almost as if it were a drug, where the pressure would build and build until at last I threw up. And as with any other drug, there is a love hate relationship with it. You hate it every day of your life. But it is a part of you that you can't get away from, something that you hold so close to you that if you were to leave it it would be just like leaving your closest friend who knows all of your deep dark secrets. Scared that if it goes away all of your deep dark secrets will be let out.

But that is no way to live. No addiction is worth all of the pain and the pressure and the heartache that it forces you to go through. The loss of you life, from hiding something that is the essence of who you are, and the loss of health, from destroying your body day in and day out, for the sake of doing something you feel that you cant control. The cycle is vicious and all consuming, its amazing how anyone ever makes it out alive. 

Although I am not an addict anymore, I will always be an addict. I will always have the feelings inside of me, and the desires, and most importantly, the memories of the life that I used to live when I was an addict. It sits inside you, like a ball of tears that is stuck in your throat fighting you. You suppress it and suppress it, but it sits there, silent and un noticed to everyone except to you, the person who is having a battle inside themselves to keep it suppressed. And although I have been suppressing the ball of tears for so long now,  sometimes it unknowingly and unwantingly comes to surface. (I can say that a few months is a long time, when a few hours used to be a long time. One day a few years will be a long time)

Today I woke up feeling off wack about my body and myself. I felt strong, but I looked in the mirror way too much. I felt fat in everything I wore that I usually feel good in. I had gained a lb on the scale, and I over analyzed everything that went onto my plate. There are signs of a healthy habit, and signs of a self destructive habit and these were the signs of a self destructive habit. These are the days that I have to continue to make the choice, no matter how hard it is, to be healthy. These are the days where I used to say, the heck with it, I already feel like crap so I may as well eat whatever I want in the house and just throw it up. Then ill feel better. But who does that! 

So I fought with myself today. Its a fine line with food for me on days like this, between eating too much and then hating myself, or eating too little, resulting in the negative compensation for bulimia, which I have vowed to never do. I cant eat too little anyways, cause it kills my performance in running. Its hard to be a runner, cause you know you need to eat a lot in order to maintain performance, and be a person that has obsessive tendencies about food. Its a constant internal battle that I have to deal with. A lot of fine lines with eating too much, too little, running too much, too little, and on and on and on. 

How do I deal with it? One day at a time my friend, and on the days where that is not enough, I take it one step at a time. Most days I am fine with myself, my body, and my actions. But there are many days where I am not, and all I want to do is compensate through addictive behaviors. Sometimes when I am battling an anxious "episode" I literally pace around my kitchen, opening the fridge door, closing it, walking back to the couch, walking to my bedroom, back to the fridge. Opening it, closing it. And if I can mentally handle it for long enough the feelings pass, and I can move on with my day. When I was going through the really hard times, I would force myself to put on my running clothes and lace up my shoes, all while opening and closing the fridge door, and force myself to walk out the door and it was always one step at a time for me. One conscious choice after another to choose the life I wanted, not the life I had.  Maybe that is why I love running so much, cause the only way to get to where you want to be is one step at a time. 

An addict is an addict for the rest of their life. Its is a burden that we bare long after the worst times are over, and maybe it is the burden that is the worst. But always remember that it is your choice... whatever you choose your life to be.