Chapter 30 - appreciation

Chapter 30

I think I'll call this phase in my life chapter 30. I can't even begin to think about how many different chapters that I've been through. Places I've lived, jobs I've had, people I've known and come to un-know.

I will be turning 30 in 3 1/2 months. I LOVE birthdays. It's such a fun day to celebrate someone in your life or yourself and while I have really enjoyed the last 29 birthdays of mine, I never much felt different then the year prior. I always felt like the day came and went and it was fun and then we continued on tomorrow; but I feel really excited about turning 30.

My 20s were a mess. An absolute mess. I remember my 20th birthday. I was sitting in a giant room in Kuwait with about 400 other soldiers. I was on my way home for my 2 week R&R from my deployment in Iraq and something happened where we got hung up and couldn't leave on time. We were supposed to fly out the day prior and I think our plane broke. On May 17th we sat in our passenger bus on the tarmac of the airport in Kuwait for about 12 hours, after spending an entire day out processing,  We slowly became more and more aware that we were not going anywhere that day as we all exited the bus for a smoke late in the night. Some friends that I made (cause that's what happens when your sitting rather close to 40 other people for 12 hours) knew it was my birthday and when the clock struck midnight they all sang me happy birthday in the middle of the desert. We drove the hour and half back to the customs holding room, and I spent that birthday watching movies on my laptop and eating MREs with my huge green backpack as a pillow.

I think that day sums up my 20s pretty well. Disorganized with nothing going the way it was supposed to, yet full of memories, friends, and experiences I will never forget; although many I may want to.

Turning 30 seems pretty significant. If you have followed my blog at all you may know that within about 6 months time my husband and I were both laid off from our jobs, and we landed in the basement of my in-laws basement with 2 children and 1 on the way. I've been through a lot of ups and downs, but these 5 months were some of the most desperate and life changing I have ever been through. A form of rock bottom that I never want to experience ever again.

During this time I really figured out who I was on the inside. I'd like to write a little more about that time of self discovery in another post in detail, because I feel like it was an important change, but for the most part I figured out what type of wife and mother I want to be, as well as what type of person I want to be, and my priorities with my life.

Maybe I'll call the next chapter of my life appreciation. I've lived with a lot and I've lived with nothing. But these times of thriving and not have always been a self made choice. I had chosen to downsize, or had chosen to move or chosen to leave a job or take one. But this time my choices were taken from me, and I had to live within my circumstances and means under somebody else's home as an adult and a mother. While my living situation was needed and appreciated at a time where I needed the help, it took my out of my comfort zone in ways nothing in my thrill seeking life had.

The past 5 months have been somewhat of a condensed metaphor of the past 10 years really. I mentioned a few weeks back that I was waiting in limbo for all the marbles of my life to drop. I knew it would happen, I just didn't know when or where or even how but I knew that things were changing.

It was intense, because that is exactly what happened last Saturday. All the marbles fell and our phone rang at 4pm and said be ready to rock at 5; and everything that we were working so hard for feel into place. I was finally out of the waiting place.

My page has turned and I am ready to fill it with words. Beautiful, strong, life seeking, mature words.

Why I threw my scale away

When I had my second child almost 2 years ago, I remained active throughout my pregnancy and gained a normal amount of weight. I bounced back pretty quickly between running pretty soon after giving birth, getting proactive about a healthy diet, and nursing him exclusively. I was pretty happy with my postpartum body and was back down to my pre pregnancy weight within those first 6 months.

But then things started to change. I look back and I can think about 50 reasons I should have been able to maintain that weight but every morning when I stepped on the scale I saw the numbers rise. I suddenly gained about 6 lbs in a month, for what seemed to me as no obvious reason. I was never one to 'diet'. I ate really healthy about 90% of the time, indulged occasionally (mostly in the form of high calorie brew) and ran long distances. The perfect formula for weight maintenance; so I thought.

For some reason though, when my baby was about 10 months old I just started putting on weight. Not a ton, only a few lbs in the long run, but a few unexplained lbs to me felt like the world. I got mad. I beat myself up about it. I complained about it and stewed over it and thought about those few lbs all the time. I was not happy about it.

I am a huge believer that if you want to change, you can. Even hard, sometimes unexplainable changes can be done with enough will power and dedication. Yes genetics play an important role in our lives but they don't determine our outcome. So I knew that this odd weight change that I was going through wasn't inevitable. Weird, but not inevitable.

After a few months of being mad that things weren't going the way that I wanted them to, I started to finally look at the bigger picture. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. This is what I was doing which was not only insane but driving me insane. So it was time to make some choices.

If I really wanted to loose the weight, I needed to make some changes to my diet and lifestyle. For WHATEVER reason, my body was clinging on to my calories a little more then it used to, and I needed to combat that. So I started thinking about all the things I needed to do or give up in order to make this happen. While making these lists and reading these articles and going over and over it I realized I needed to make another list.

My priorities.

Why did I feel it was so important to loose these few lbs. Did I need to loose the weight? And most importantly, did I WANT to do what was needed in order to loose the weight? Would I be happy with my quality of life without the things that I enjoyed?

When we think about our weight we can get so hung up on numbers that frankly don't really mean anything. Was I willing to give up the things that I loved in order to accomplish this goal? What was the most important thing to me at this point in my life?

So after a lot of thinking, I decided that as long as I was still healthy and feeling good, as long as I still felt comfortable in my clothes and my body, was still able to go for a 20 mile run whenever I wanted, and still enjoyed what food I ate then the balance of all of this was more important then the few lbs I had gained.

But I still knew in my head, that despite the fact that I was ok with looking the way I looked, I still wasn't ok, for whatever reason, with that number on the scale. So I had to make the choice to throw my scale in the trash.

This was NOT  an easy or light hearted decision for me. I even wrote this post a while back about how much I felt it was important to weigh yourself every day. But I knew that my mental well being was more important then any number on a scale, that really didn't mean anything anyways.

Life is about balance. Find your balance and you'll find a contentment that you may have not known was there.

33+4 Weeks pregnant and running and over it

I am 33 +4 weeks pregnant. This means 33 weeks and 4 days. Why does it matter to tack the 4 days onto the end of the weeks? It does. It just does! Because every day closer to your due date is one day closer to not being pregnant anymore.

I asked my Dr. the other week what he thought about when I would deliver and he said 2 weeks early. I follow a 2 week early trend with my pregnancies. I can't imagine what it would be like to be one of those women who follow a 2 week late pattern, always delivering at 41-42 weeks.. I'm sure I'd go nuts. So this puts me at a due date of Feb 26th, which is exactly one month from today. What what!

Man do I complain a lot about how much I hate being pregnant. I'd like to say I'm being over dramatic and that it's not really that bad, but I'm not. I hate it. And what makes me even worse of a person is that I have a very healthy pregnancy so it really isn't as bad as it could be. But all in all I am still so over it. I am over the constant aches and pains and 'harmless contractions' 23 hours a day. I am over being so large (I have gained about 27 lbs so far, but I hold it all in my face. Yes, I have gained 5 lbs a baby and 22 lbs of face). I am over not being able to run how I would like. Or doing yoga or push ups or going for a hike or walking up the stairs... or bending over. Getting up from the couch on my own. Tying my own shoes. Or any of my favorite hobbies really. (And I really miss my favorite post workout hobby of an ice cold IPA) And I miss my energy. I can honestly say I would be happy to sit on the couch all day at this point, and that's not like me. Embrace it, right?

But GOSH DARN if I don't love the babies. Some people enjoy the preceding 9 months, and fear the rest. I loath the small glimpse in time of being uncomfortable, and man do I love those little people that greet us at the end of it all. 

For instance, my almost 2 year old just became very fond of the word no. I just looked over and asked him what he was watching on the TV, he happily responded "NO!" and went back to watching. ADORABLE! :)

But I am thankful to still be "running" as some of you may call it. I can still log 3-4 times a week, 2-4 miles at a time, average of a 10:30 mile, depending if I am running alone or with people. I have found I am significantly slower if I am carrying on a conversation, but I enjoy it more then running alone for sure. I have such great runs sometimes, and then awful ones to follow. Something I have yet to understand. 

On Saturday I was able to meet up with my sister and we joined a group run. I got in 4 miles and felt really good afterwards. Not too achey during and like I could have kept going when I was done. Then I taught an hour power yoga class afterwards. You wanna see something funny, watch and 8 month pregnant lady transition from downward dog to warrior I in one fluid motion. Ha! Again I felt good, but I started getting this pain in my lower right side of my belly that I get sometimes. Didn't think much of it. So after such a good run on Saturday I was very excited for my miles on Sunday, but at about 1/2 mile that pain started to come back. I slowed my pace and practiced slow deep breathing, but at 3/4 a mile I had to stop. I stretched and relaxed, determined to finish at least 3. I started my trot back up and the pain was instant and persistent. I turned around and thought I could at least head home in case it didn't subside. It didn't. So I walked it out till I hit a mile, annoyed and frustrated that I have been able to complete marathons, but a mile was kicking my preggo butt. I started jogging again when I hit a mile and just figured I would tough it out till I got home. I made it 1.5 miles. Wow... 

On the plus side, I wasn't running this late with my last pregnancy. I think I only made it till 31 weeks or so before I stopped. But that was due to the weather mostly, as I apparently only birth babies in the winter. So I AM thankful to still be up and at em. I really am. I'll take the day off today and do some foam rolling and a light HIIT workout. I have become very fond of the Nike Training App. I do the 15 minute workouts, but I make mine more of 20-30 minutes. They do the moves back to back, and I slow down and take 30 second - 1 minute rests in between so my heart rate doesn't get all crazy. 

The light at the end of the tunnel is almost here and I cant wait to say hi to another little boy in my life!

Why I'm glad I shared my S*** to the world

About a week ago I wrote a blog post called Maybe you know someone... It was a very personal post about the large struggle that I have been dealing with. It wasn't an easy post to write, and it was even harder to share it on a public forum such as Facebook. The post wasn't written in a moment of weakness or hysteria, although some may think so, and it was not a cry for help. It was, however, written with the purpose of asking for help, and that's okay.

I don't think there is anything wrong with asking for help and I don't think there is anything wrong with asking people I don't know for help. The world is so much broader then our inner circle, and most of the time, your inner circle is never going to be the one to help you in the long run. They may feel the most concern for you since they know you, but that doesn't obligate them to help. And that's okay too.

I knew posting something so personal and so public on the internet would reach people I didn't want it to reach. I knew that since my mothers joined Facebook my private life would be more visible and judged and things such as this post would be seen by both of them. I knew the conversations would be rough from all kinds of people and I would have to hear advice that I didn't want to hear. I understood the backlash that was going to happen. But I also know myself and my thoughts and my confidence in writing something so personal and so public. Being at peace with an action, weather dramatic or level headed, is the only thing you can do in life to make your journey easier. Peace and confidence in your decisions.

I knew when I posted what I posted that nothing dramatic would happen. Despite my desires for a home, I knew I would stay where I was. But a few things happened because I opened up my mouth. Or my browser actually.

I had some open conversations with my mothers, with my husband, and with myself. It allowed my mind to be taken out of the black hole that it has been stuck in and give me a kick in the rear to do something, anything, to change my situation despite my inability to actually change it. 

The serenity prayer has become very important to me.

And the WISDOM to know the difference.... That's a big one. 

I still feel the way I do since I wrote that last post. A little more open and exposed for sure, but because I feel more exposed I feel more at peace. More confident in finding the courage to change the things I can. I know I can't move out, it's just not an option, and I can't change that. But I CAN change how I deal with the situations that I am in inside where I live. 

We are not meant to live this life alone. Our communities are vast and endless if we open ourselves up to allowing them to be. 

Maybe you know someone...

Maybe you know someone that can help me.

So I'll write this open letter of desperation to the world. I mean, that's the beauty of the internet right? Open letters that turn out changing peoples lives? Maybe my immediate contacts are unable to help me, but maybe if they could share this letter with their contacts, and so on, somebody that could help me could be reached.

I feel so hopeless. So utterly lost with my life and with myself that I just don't know what else to do but write this utterly hopeless letter. Maybe it's needy and desperate and I should put things in perspective, but not to me.

I have been trying so hard to put things in perspective. SO hard. I have prayed and prayed and cried and cried and have become a professional at taking very deep breaths and telling myself it could be worse and I have ran many many miles trying to put things behind me.

It's very metaphorical isn't it? Going for a run. You walk out the door literally running away from your situation, only to always return to it when the run is over. It's always there, and it's always the same. Because as a wise man once said "The grass isn't greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it." (Little Wayne anyone?)

And this is the value I have tried to live by so strongly and that I tell myself over and over again every hour of every day. Don't be petty. Don't be selfish. God will provide. God will provide. And technically... "technically"... he has. When we had no where else to live God allowed my in-laws the grace to let us move into their home. Which I know has been just as much of a struggle on them as it has been on us. I am SO thankful that at the end of the day that my 2 boys have 2 warm beds to sleep on and that my husband and I have a heated house to live in in as the weather gets colder.

Honestly, I am so incredibly thankful to live in a world where the government has taken pitty on us and allotted us a small amount of money in unemployment and food stamp benefits after my husband was laid off. While it would never be enough money to support us if we had any sort of rent payment, it is the only thing that is getting us by on a day to day basis and I am VERY thankful for what it is.

But I am so. incredibly. mad.

I am mad that this is apparently all that God wants to give us in life. I am so incredibly mad that I over the years I have gone from "God please help my husband get a good enough job to support us; to God. Why won't you help us." I am so mad that I'm mad at God.

I am so mad that despite the roof over my head, I am a guest in the house I reside in. That I wake up every day walking on egg shells while trying to raise a family in my home. Tip toeing uncomfortably through the motions, trying to just get by.

I am SO mad that despite the fact that my sweet boys have a bed to sleep in at night, all of their possessions have either been given away because of lack of room to put them in, or they have been shoved in corners and boxes. I'm so mad their personal spaces have become cluttered and disorganized and overwhelmed. I'm mad my son doesn't have the quiet space he needs to do his homework and that my younger son has developed horrible sleep habits because of my fear of disturbing anyone else in the home.

I am so angry that I am overwhelmed with joy for our 3rd baby to be born but that every time I think about it I get so stressed out because I have no idea where I am going to put his bassinet. I get so stressed thinking about how I am going to comfortably nurse him 10 times a day, or what I'm going to do when he is awake for hours on end at night or is colicky during the day or needs to nap during the day, and none of it fits with anyone else's schedule.

And I am so incredibly angry that God hasn't helped my husband. My wonderful husband, the greatest dad and step dad and God loving man I have ever known, who was given a talent so wonderful and spent so many years getting his bachelors degree. Who has tried and tried and tried and failed and failed. I am so mad that he has never been given a job that is enough to support his family, much alone himself. I am so mad that God has never given him a career, or stability or financial comfort despite his relentless work ethic and amazing heart. I am SO MAD that his business hasn't thrived, and that he receives rejection letter after rejection letter for employment. I am so mad that God gave my husband a beautiful family, and has never given him the ability to support them. I am so mad that I feel so hopeless.

So maybe you know someone that has a home we can live in. Maybe they have a second home they don't use. Maybe they have a parent who has gone to a nursing home and needs someone to live in their home and care for it, up keep it. Maybe you know someone who owns a fixer-upper and is willing to trade rent for work. Maybe you know anyone, in any situation, for any reason, that would be able to give us a home for the holidays. It doesn't have to a permanent situation, it doesn't have to be fancy.

And maybe you don't know anyone. But  you have the ability to share this letter. Share it on facebook, on twitter, on the radio. Share it some way that maybe you know someone who knows someone... and it reaches them.

I'm asking for help. Cause I am so tired of feeling so hopeless.

Thank you
- Katie

The beginning stages of race directing

So I'm officially on year 3 of starting my own race directing business. It's an exciting and completely confusing place to be, as is most things in life.

The first race I ever put on was the first annual Broke Man's Half marathon. This free, non permitted race taught me a lot of event planning, but not too much about legit race planning. It was a great place to get my feet wet because with no cost was no expectations, so everything that did go well was just an added bonus and I was able to see if I was truly cut out for what I thought was my dream job.

At the end of that year I landed what I thought was my dream job as a regional race director for a national company. While it turned out to be such an AWFUL company to work for, and the job ended after the execution of the first race series for the National Veterans Day Run, it turned out to be a no-joke crash course in the race directing business after 4 races in 2 days. What an awful experience that I am so thankful for.

The next race I did was the following fall with the second annual Broke Man's Half Marathon. This was my favorite race. It was all mine with no higher end up front expenses. I was able to put on a great race with about fifty bucks in my pocket. This race taught me a lot about my passion and what people want. And don't want.

I followed that one up with a low key veterans day race on my own, as the company I worked for the year prior disbanded, and was happy with this small race despite a lot more complications then I had hoped for. Another learning experience.

So now here I am here, at the end of 2014, preparing for my 2015 race series and where I want it to go.

The beginning is always the most daunting stages of race planning. The PLANNING part. Lots of phone calls are made in the beginning stages and lots of carefully thought out dreams are finally spoken into words to complete strangers. Lots of dreams are crushed in the beginning stages of the race planning.

I can't tell you how many times I have been so happy and positive about an idea I had, to finally get up the courage to make the necessary phone calls to start execution for the plan just to receive an over the phone slap in the face. Oh those over the phone slaps are so painful.

The race directing world is not a do what you want field, and as an inexperienced entrepreneur I struggle with a do what I want attitude. It's taken a few years to realize my races are not about what I want even if what I want is for the people. My races are #1 - about what is actually possible and #2 - about what the people issuing my permits and approvals want. #3 - its a lot of what the people paying for the registrations want, and #4 - my vision.

Who knew?

So the first thing to do in the beginning stages of a new race is to take a deep breath, smile politely, and go for a lot of runs. Because it isn't easy to be told no all the time. Or that's not possible, or your idea is bad, or I don't have time for you, or to be treated like you have no clue what your doing. Because I'm young most people think I have no clue what I'm talking about I assume, and it's a hard ball to swing at over and over again.

But you learn over the years that as long as you keep taking a deep breath and picking up that phone again and again things will always get better. You will eventually find someone who thinks your ideas are great and want your vision to succeed. And by the time it's all done and over, your race will be done and over and you can focus on all the positive feedback you receive, and your able to forget about all the phone slaps that had to happen to make it all happen.

And pretty soon you'll be planning for the next year...

Running around Ohio

I have decided that I would like to run around Ohio...

This is what my estimated route would be as a step one in route planning. A lot of changes will be made to accommodate the most appropriate route for running, as well as the best campgrounds and cities to stop in along with way, this map is just the first step in my thought process of turning this dream into a reality.

It's not necessarily my dream to run around Ohio per say, but more along the lines to do something to get people to notice me. I have always wanted to be an important person in my field. A name people recognize, someone that is asked to speak at events, write articles for magazines, gets invited to all the runs and then asked for my review, and most importantly, a sponsored athlete who lands a cover on Runner's World Magazine. Is that so much to ask for? I don't want to be on TV or have a million follwers on Twitter, in fact my stats on social media are abysmal compared to anyone really. I still haven't found the secret to having as many Instagram followers as my high school brother, but I'm working on it.

I've learned that in this day and age, the possibilities are endless if you want it bad enough. However because of this, competition has become rough to make a name for yourself in your field. There's a thousand people headed in your direction no matter where your going, so if you want to be noticed you need to stand out.

So I've decided in order to stand out I need to do something epic.

I've followed stories of people running across america and have always been fond of the running wanderer, most likely stemming from my undying love of the movie Forrest Gump, and I sat down at the computer to throw some ideas around. The first thing I realized is that with (soon-to-be) three small children, running across America isn't something I can really commit to at this point in my life.

So I started throwing around some more ideas and eventually brainstormed my way into running around Ohio. It's a long enough commitment to where I can make the kind of splash that I hope to make, but not severe enough to where I can't bring my kids with me on my journey before school resumes again for the fall.

What does running around Ohio's boarder look like?

I'm nervous about even mentioning this, because it's such a high hoped dream that depends on A LOT of things happening outside of my control over the next year and I'm sure, as with everything that I do, I'll get a lot of crazy looks and words of doubt. But throwing the idea out to the world is the first step to making a dream a reality.

Time frame - July 2015- September 2015 with approx 6 weeks of running.