Maybe you know someone...

Maybe you know someone that can help me.

So I'll write this open letter of desperation to the world. I mean, that's the beauty of the internet right? Open letters that turn out changing peoples lives? Maybe my immediate contacts are unable to help me, but maybe if they could share this letter with their contacts, and so on, somebody that could help me could be reached.

I feel so hopeless. So utterly lost with my life and with myself that I just don't know what else to do but write this utterly hopeless letter. Maybe it's needy and desperate and I should put things in perspective, but not to me.

I have been trying so hard to put things in perspective. SO hard. I have prayed and prayed and cried and cried and have become a professional at taking very deep breaths and telling myself it could be worse and I have ran many many miles trying to put things behind me.

It's very metaphorical isn't it? Going for a run. You walk out the door literally running away from your situation, only to always return to it when the run is over. It's always there, and it's always the same. Because as a wise man once said "The grass isn't greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it." (Little Wayne anyone?)

And this is the value I have tried to live by so strongly and that I tell myself over and over again every hour of every day. Don't be petty. Don't be selfish. God will provide. God will provide. And technically... "technically"... he has. When we had no where else to live God allowed my in-laws the grace to let us move into their home. Which I know has been just as much of a struggle on them as it has been on us. I am SO thankful that at the end of the day that my 2 boys have 2 warm beds to sleep on and that my husband and I have a heated house to live in in as the weather gets colder.

Honestly, I am so incredibly thankful to live in a world where the government has taken pitty on us and allotted us a small amount of money in unemployment and food stamp benefits after my husband was laid off. While it would never be enough money to support us if we had any sort of rent payment, it is the only thing that is getting us by on a day to day basis and I am VERY thankful for what it is.

But I am so. incredibly. mad.

I am mad that this is apparently all that God wants to give us in life. I am so incredibly mad that I over the years I have gone from "God please help my husband get a good enough job to support us; to God. Why won't you help us." I am so mad that I'm mad at God.

I am so mad that despite the roof over my head, I am a guest in the house I reside in. That I wake up every day walking on egg shells while trying to raise a family in my home. Tip toeing uncomfortably through the motions, trying to just get by.

I am SO mad that despite the fact that my sweet boys have a bed to sleep in at night, all of their possessions have either been given away because of lack of room to put them in, or they have been shoved in corners and boxes. I'm so mad their personal spaces have become cluttered and disorganized and overwhelmed. I'm mad my son doesn't have the quiet space he needs to do his homework and that my younger son has developed horrible sleep habits because of my fear of disturbing anyone else in the home.

I am so angry that I am overwhelmed with joy for our 3rd baby to be born but that every time I think about it I get so stressed out because I have no idea where I am going to put his bassinet. I get so stressed thinking about how I am going to comfortably nurse him 10 times a day, or what I'm going to do when he is awake for hours on end at night or is colicky during the day or needs to nap during the day, and none of it fits with anyone else's schedule.

And I am so incredibly angry that God hasn't helped my husband. My wonderful husband, the greatest dad and step dad and God loving man I have ever known, who was given a talent so wonderful and spent so many years getting his bachelors degree. Who has tried and tried and tried and failed and failed. I am so mad that he has never been given a job that is enough to support his family, much alone himself. I am so mad that God has never given him a career, or stability or financial comfort despite his relentless work ethic and amazing heart. I am SO MAD that his business hasn't thrived, and that he receives rejection letter after rejection letter for employment. I am so mad that God gave my husband a beautiful family, and has never given him the ability to support them. I am so mad that I feel so hopeless.

So maybe you know someone that has a home we can live in. Maybe they have a second home they don't use. Maybe they have a parent who has gone to a nursing home and needs someone to live in their home and care for it, up keep it. Maybe you know someone who owns a fixer-upper and is willing to trade rent for work. Maybe you know anyone, in any situation, for any reason, that would be able to give us a home for the holidays. It doesn't have to a permanent situation, it doesn't have to be fancy.

And maybe you don't know anyone. But  you have the ability to share this letter. Share it on facebook, on twitter, on the radio. Share it some way that maybe you know someone who knows someone... and it reaches them.

I'm asking for help. Cause I am so tired of feeling so hopeless.

Thank you
- Katie