Febuary 22nd

Today is an... emotional day for me. I dont get emotional about it much anymore. 8 years will do that to you.

8 years ago I gave birth to a little boy. Things, for some reasons didnt work out and I ended up making a last minute decision to give the baby up for adoption. About 3 weeks before I gave birth I went to an adoption agency and pick out a couple that I was going to give my baby too. The decision wasnt easy. I actually put the couple I picked, John and Kathy, at in the no way pile the very first time I read their story. They were what I thought as too old. But after I read over the couples, probably a million times, I decided to pick the couple I discarded at first. It just felt right.

I met them before I made my final decision. We went to apple bees with my dad and my decision was final. They were older. I cant remember their age, but I want to say they were in their late 40's. Which I thought was too old, but hey, who am I to judge. They were Christians, which even though I was not at the time, seemed to be a good idea. They had tried to have a child for a long time, had been married over 10 years, but could not have one. They had another little boy who was a little over 2 who they adopted also.

I went into labor in the middle of the night. I remember feeling really crappy around midnight and started having contractions at 5. I woke my dad up and he drove me to the hospital. It was 5 in the morning and there were no cars on the high way but5 he still drove 50 miles an hour It drove me nuts.

Ben flew in from south carolina, where he was stationed in the navy and made it just after the baby was born. I was going to spend 3 days in the hospital with the baby and then on the 3rd Day when I was discharged John and Kathy would come to pick the baby up. It was emotional being in a room so much with Ben. He had broken up with me 2 weeks after we had gotten married, about a month before I had his child. But I would give him his 3 days with his baby and then never have to talk to him again.

People came and then went when I was in the hospital. People came to talk to me about about adoption. My family, Bens family. Telling me they were proud of me for making a good choice. It didnt feel too good.

One day in particular I remember Bens mom was over. I dont remember why it started but I believe that she wanted to adopt the baby and raise it as her own. This lady was a little unstable and I knew she wasnt able to take care of a baby. I refused her offer and she got mad and starting yelling at me that it was her right to have custody of the baby. I dont think so lady. While she was yelling at me my mom and my older sister who had just had a baby walked into the room. Both of them were very supportive of my decision and thought it was best. My mom stepped in on the conversation and gave Bens mom her opinion on the matter. But she wouldnt back down. A fight had started between Ben's mom and my mom.

I couldnt handle it so I took my baby and went into the next room. Me and my sister hid in the empty hospital room 17 and 18 years old with 2 brand new babies crying. I feel like I have cried a lot with my sister. I remember a nurse came in to check on us. She had been my nurse at one point, and all of the nurses new that I was giving my baby up for adoption. She told us that she had given her baby up for adoption also when she was younger. Then when she got married she wasnt able to have a kid so she adopted. That story made me feel better. We hid in the room until we heard someone leave and then snuck back into my room. My mom was there and her and my sister left soon.

I gave the baby up on the 3rd day. John and Kathy showed up before I left and they were all ready for a new baby. They were so nice and they brought their son with them this time. We were all packed up to go by the time they came, so once they left to go see the baby we left the hospital. I know we should have stayed and said good bye but I couldnt handle it. I knew he was in good hands from this point on.

It took me a while to get peace from it, I have peace now. I know it was the best decision. I feel like I have blessed that family in a way they wouldnt have been otherwise.