forgiveness

Today's sermon at church today was about forgiveness. It was a good teaching about forgiving others for the things that are hard to let go. From forgiving your teenager for lying to you over and over again, to forgiving a German soldier for the cold blooded murder he brought on Jews during the holocaust. The stories that were shared for forgiveness brought me to tears. A few years ago when I heard a sermon very close to the one I heard today I was in a much different place in my life.

When I split from my ex husband, the father of my child, it was not a good parting. To leave the details of it all out I experienced the most heart shattering pain I have ever recieved in my life and it took over every being of me. My world had ended in one night. I spent the next year rebuilding my life from nothing, this time with a child in tow. The thing that made it worse is that the problems with my ex still exsisted. He still caused me pain and broke my soul every day. I had gotten to the point, not where I wanted to end my life, but to where I had absolutely no idea how to live. I cried more then I had ever cried in my entire life.

I remember one day sitting on the couch, in complete dispair. It was hard to breath, it was hard to think, it was hard to move. My life had been taken from me and it was almost impossible for me to make the most basic decisions like, should I clean or should I eat. For about a month, when I was at my lowest point I contemplated giving over custody of the only thing that mattered in my life, my son, just to end the pain.

I had moved into my moms house after I split with my ex. And every Sunday I went to church just as I had when I was younger. Church made me sad, just as it had when I was younger. I didnt understand why I was going through so much pain. I didnt understand why God wouldnt make my ex just leave me alone and let me be. Hadnt I been through enough already.

My heart was starting to open up to the Lord through the words from my church and the love of my family, but slowly, thats for sure. I just couldnt give my self to God until I wasnt angry anymore. One day when I went, our pastor talked about forgiveness.

Why must we forgive when we dont want to. Because as Christians we strive to live our lives as Jesus would. To walk in his steps and do the things that he would do. Jesus forgave anyone who asked for forgiveness, and just like that they were forgiven. I realized that I would never be able to move on with my life if I didnt forgive my ex for the things that he had done, and stop trying to understand why. That day I went up for prayer, and a man shared a wonderful story of how he forgave someone who had hurt him so badly when he was growing up. And he prayed for me.

My ex did not become better. He did not leave me alone, and things didnt really change. But I changed. I started acting differently when I delt with him. I started praying when I got overwhelmed. I gave my pain to God instead of trying to control it or even trying to understand it. And from that day on I forgave my ex for what he did. Eventually, I believe due to the fact that my reactions towards his words and actions were different things eventually got better. I felt a peace in my heart and in my mind that I had never felt before. A peace that can only be achieved though God.

Today I went up and prayed for a girl that was in the same place I was a few years ago. It broke my heart to hear her story and see her tears. I had never prayed for someone in the front of my church before. And I can only imagine that I talked in circles half of the time. I dont remember the words the man said to me when he prayed for me years ago. But I remember the emotion. I remember the way that I felt in my heart and how the holy spirit had touched me that day. And very soon after that I was baptized in my church. I hope that I am a link in that girls life to forgiving her ex and bring her life to the Lord.