8 1/2 weeks pregnant
So, I have gained a lb. One big fat pound into my journey of many more pounds to be gained. Have you ever played hearts on your computer and you can't play the hearts until they have been broken, and once they do break there is this noise of glass shattering? That is how I felt this morning when I stepped on the scale. I weigh myself once per day, at the same time everyday. You can read about why I weigh every day in my post HERE! My weight fluctuates, a pound up, a pound down, always returning back to normal in a day or two. But today was the third day of normal eating, and the scale stayed up. As the numbers flashed 126.6 in front of eyes I stepped off and had to take some time to evaluate how I felt about it.
Gaining weight is inevitable during pregnancy. It can also be a tricky game of whats too much and what is enough. For a normal weight woman, which is the category I fall into, you should gain between 25-35 lbs. For an underweight woman, more, and an overweight woman, less. Most women gain way too much weight when they are pregnant. With my son, who is 5 1/2 now, I believe I gained about 50 lbs. Gaining weight doesn't ever seem to be a big deal when you are pregnant, but it sure does hit you hard after the baby comes out and for some reason your still holding onto 40 extra pounds! Wait? I thought that was BABY weight!! No my friend, that was ice cream weight, and that kind of weight doesn't leave when the baby does.
Determined to be as healthy as possible during this pregnancy, as well as a much larger fear of weight gain then I ever remember having with my son, I am watching my weight gain this time around. This desire, accompanied with a lot of time on my hands has aloud me to do a lot of reading about weight gain and pregnancy. I have found articles from woman who recommend a large amount of weight gain to women who run marathons and train for figure competitions while pregnant. I think this all aids in my anxiety even more (as most medical research done on the internet does.) So who is right? Should I not worry about it and just eat whatever I want, should I go hard core and train for that half marathon I've been longing to train for? What do I do? Who do I listen to!!!
As a woman who has grown very found of working out hard, pushing myself to the limits, eating light and healthy and making darn sure my weight doesn't inch up the scale it has been very hard to let the walls down. Normally I wouldn't eat late, even if I was starving. Normally I would never go back for seconds. Normally I would limit my carbs and never add cheese. Normally I would make sure I got in at least 2 hours of working out every day. But normal is normal anymore, and every time I indulge into a little extra food if I feel I need it, or out of a workout because, frankly, I'm exhausted. It hurts. I know it shouldn't hurt, and I know I am making all the right decisions, but it doesn't mean the feelings are not there. As someone recovered from a serious eating disorder, you find out it doesn't matter how recovered you are, your still just that little addict girl when it comes down to it. So, what do I do?
Well, I haven't figured that out yet, and I think that is the most important lesson that I have learned in dealing with addiction, anxiety, and fear of the unknown. There are no set answers and there are no proper ways to do things. I don't know how much I am going to gain or how my body is going to look afterwards. I don't know how I'm going to feel with each tick tock of the scale, much less how my body feels as I wake up day in and day out. I may get my energy back tomorrow and start running every day again, or something may happen to me in a month and I could be bed ridden for the rest of my pregnancy. (uuuuugggghhhh!) But no matter what it is, it is out of my control.
This is the moment in our decision making ways where it's most important to learn to give it all to God. The more I want to tighten the reigns, the more I know I should pass them along. Because life happens no matter what, and we get REALLY stressed out with or without God by our sides. But without Him, who knows what stupid decisions I would make, because that's what man kind does. But with Him, everything becomes a little less of a big deal, and a little easier to handle.
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