The chemical NEED to run

I have mentioned many times in my posts that I am addicted to running. I credit it mostly to the fact that running replaced my addiction to alcohol and a pretty killer eating disorder that took up the better part of 10 years of my life, but I am addicted to it non the less. I try to say and think that I'm not addicted to it, the same way that I guess I constantly tried to convince myself that I wasn't addicted to anything else that I was. But I am. And I was then also. I think the real line to cross when figuring out if you are really addicted to something or not is when you try to not do it. The real beauty either shines or dies in those moments.

At 26 weeks pregnant, with severe hip pain plaguing my bones, I have been trying not to push myself too much on my running. I go out when I feel fit enough, I lay low when I don't or when my days require me to put my energy elsewhere. It seems like a logical plan fine enough, but what happens when too many days go by where I don't feel well, or I get busy. Am I ok just mustering through until it makes sense for me to go run, or do I suffer from some sort of mental break down, forcing me to log just a few miles to get my head right.

Well, you guessed it of course. It's funny how running becomes so much more then a good workout for people as they fall in love with it. So many times I hear friends say "Ugh, I don't know why I keep signing up for these races." or "Well I WANTED to only do one marathon. But now..." Running makes you who you are, and it turns you into who you want to be. As you grow up, and into a runner, every time you feel weak and meek, instead of remaining so as you used to do when you were younger, you go out for a run and come back feeling like the hulk. Like you can take on any challenges that life presents you, and challenge all of the self doubt you have always faced. It's like a secret weapon.

But sometimes I feel like I have this little thermometer inside of me. The kind with the red mercury that are probably illegal to make now and after I work out the mercury is pushed down to the bottom of the tube. It likes to be there. It rises slowly after that, and I will usually run the next day which is soon enough to keep the levels in check and drop back down to the bottom. Sometimes Ill go a day without running, and the levels may reach a little higher then they like to be, but still not bad, and they again subside with a run the following day. But what happens when I go two days without running. Or even 3 like I did this weekend. After a day the levels rise to a... noticeable level, the following day, a little higher, high enough to be uncomfortable but livable. That third day without running, that mercury level will creep so high that it will start to rattle the top of the tube, and pressure will build, running out of room to be contained inside. Feeling like at any moment it may burst through my ears.

This is how I literally feel when I go several days without running. I get anxious, frustrated, sometimes I feel bad about myself for not running. My emotions get a little crazy. I feel like my 5 year old son that gets cooped up in the house on a rainy day. I usually wake up after that day fed up and I run regardless of how I feel. I NEED to run, so I run. I never regret the run that I do do (doo doo), but I find the chemical NEED to run a mystery and I wish I knew what controlled it inside of me and why it happens.

It can be frustrating. I would like my body to accept that sometimes I can't run right now in my life. But I can't. And if you can't beat em, join em I guess. But I can be thankful that despite aches and pains, that I can still run and I'm not stuck on bed rest or something. And I am happy that even on days I don't run, I can still manage to make smart choices and realize that tomorrow is a new day.

If your tired of starting over, stop giving up.