And He gives us second chances when we throw our hands up

Today started out rough for me. I woke up in a BAD MOOD! I didn't do it intentionally, but as I drank my coffee and got ready for the gym I just could not for the life of me shake it. I felt depressed, grumpy and self-conscious. I have learned that being self-conscious is a trigger for being sad. It's weird, but it helps to understand how you really feel when you feel down. 

So why did I wake up feeling like this? Who knows sometimes. At this point in life I like to blame most things on sleep deprivation. My little baby was up at 430 and wouldn't go back to sleep till almost 6. I have been working on putting him in the bassinet more, he sleeps with us most of the time. Mainly because he does what he did last night. Not cry, but make lots and lots of loud noises. It's like he is talking up a storm or something. I don't know, but when he is with us he sleeps like a rock. So as a tired momma, he tends to win most nights. 

But there was another reason I was feeling down. Yesterday I put up a blog post that was risky. It said some controversial things about Christianity and same sex marriage that I felt the need to say. That's why I am a blogger.

I NEED TO SAY THINGS!

And as I expected, it got some positive feedback and some negative feedback. It DID get the most hits in one day any of my posts has ever received and I only posted it on facebook, no where else. So at least people read it. 

And as a human I think it's important to take a bold stance, even if you don't think people will like it. Even if your conservative aunt is gonna read it. Or your christian friends in your church. Would you not stand up for what you believe in because not EVERYONE is going to be happy with what you feel. 

I knew that I was going to have to face negative criticism and I braced myself. But one thing that was said REALLY beat me up inside. 

"How do you call yourself a christian"...

Being a christian is who I am. My relationship with God is THE most important thing in my life. Hands down. 

But this statement beat me up.

I used to be a vegetarian. I called myself a vegetarian. But when I got pregnant I started eating meat. Rarely, I eat it once every few weeks I would say. Hardly at all. But... I don't call myself a vegetarian anymore, because vegetarians don't eat meat. AT ALL. 

So I question the Bible. I question one of its teachings... Gay marriage. 

But Christians don't question God. AT ALL.

So should I still call myself a Christian?

I prayed about this a lot yesterday and when I woke up it made me feel extremely self conscious still. As an ex addict, I don't like feeling sad, or scared, or overwhelmed, or self conscious. It's hard to face what you are feeling sometimes, and I think harder for some then others. This is when I used to drink. And drink I did. 

I didn't want to face what I was feeling, I wanted to make it go away. Alcohol is REAL good at doing that for you. 

One drink to remember, another to forget

So I went to the gym for my run. I didn't plan on running today because of my knee. But I knew that I had to, to meditate, to pray. 

I had a tempo run today. A tempo run is like long speedwork. After a warm up you go uncomfortably fast for your allotted time, in hopes to teach your body something it's not used to. This works for your brain as well when you need to think about something. 

So I hopped on the treadmill and put on some worship music and stared out the window and prayed. A mile or so into my tempo, it was hitting me hard. 

Am I REALLY a christian? What does God think of me, does he still love me? Do I renounce my faith because I questioned Him??.... UUUUGGGGHHHH!

So I turned on some Lacrae. Lacrae is this rapper who sings about his re-birth, his relationship with God, his pain. I relate well. He is pretty hard core. 

The lucky ones

As I ran uncomfortably hard and lip rapped his music for all the gym to see my emotions were met. Alcohol has this tendency to put up inhibitors on your fears. No matter what is going on you can drink and it goes away. Running uncomfortably hard while listening to this song while dealing with some deep down emotions is something else. It's like your deepest fears are brought the surface to ignite, like fire tingling on your skin. Your forced to feel them, to see them. To mentally deal with them head on at that moment. To let them either make you or break you. 

Man it's uncomfortable. It's like seeing Hell, looking Satan in the face, and saying NO! And if you can come out of it on top, most times with sweat on your skin and tears streaming down your face, then things will be different on the other side.

I know it sounds intense. My life is intense, my feelings are intense. Probably why I dealt with them for years by suppressing them with drinking. And when you do that there is a lot of stuff that needs to come out. 

"And He gives us second chances when we throw our hands up!" - Lacrae.

I was baptized several years ago, and I gave my life 110% to God on that day, but I'm not perfect and I think God knows that. It is so important to throw our hands up daily and ask God for His forgiveness for our sins.

This is why I run.