And I just kept moving

It's days like today where it's really freaking hard to be an addict. Recovered or not, half-recovered, half-not, half who knows what the heck is going on in life; sometimes life just grabs you and swallows you up. 

And it usually comes without warning, in my opinion. I've done a lot of self-research into why some days I wake up and the world just seems off. Is it a hormonal thing? Are there certain triggers about this specific day that would make me subconsciously be thinking about certain things? Did I not get enough sleep? Are my kids pushing my buttons extra hard? Am I just bored? There has to be a reason behind these kinds of things.

I guess that's something that I have learned about this tricky business of addiction, anxiety, and everything that comes along with being pre-wired to have this kind of lifestyle. There really seems to be no set thing that makes me feel the way that I feel sometimes. 

I woke up this morning in a good mood. Good enough for it being a normal Thursday morning. Maybe a little over-whelmed, but nothing out of the ordinary. But for some reason I woke up thinking about my dad, and I just couldn't stop thinking about him. I set out to work on the yard about mid-morning and I just kept thinking. And thinking, and thinking. About how much I missed him. How much it wasn't fair. How much all the things that I think about him when I think about him were on my mind. 

And when this happens, I get stuck. 

I get stuck in these thoughts and these emotions and it seems that I can't figure out how to get out of them...

I truly believe there is no recovery for an addict. My dad died 5 1/2 years ago, and I still get stuck in these emotions that I have about it all. The pain that I can't seem to get past. 

But I guess that's where we grow. 

To realize there is NO getting past it. Just getting through it to the other side, and then to just keep moving.

5 1/2 years ago, when I would start to feel stuck like I do today, I would drink. No matter the time of day or the obligation. I would have a drink, and that's how I would get through to the other side of it. To avoid it.

That's how I know I've grown.

Today has been hard. I can't figure out for the life of me why, which is why it doesn't seem to help confronting it or dealing with it in any way. But I seem to have made it through the worst of it without a drink. 

How? 

Well first and foremost I prayed and I asked God to give me the strength to make it through the other side. 

And second... I took it one foot at a time. Right foot, left foot. I talked myself through each moment and said, just get through the next task. Just go do one more thing. Now let's get through the next thing. And one foot, and the next. And then I got dressed, and then I brushed my teeth, and then I just kept moving. 

And when I needed to stop and process I did. And when I needed to sit down for a minute I did. And when I felt overwhelmed again and again I prayed. And I just kept moving. And I gave myself a goal. To make it through till I could go for a run. 

And when I told myself I felt like writing this, I knew I was ok and that I would make it through. 

There's no secret to life. And I think that's ok too. 

Just a lot of prayer, and a lot of faith. 

And if all else fails; get your butt out for a run.