Relapse of thoughts and anxiety

Not loving that thing that I love so much today...

I have been super antsy about food all day today and it has been driving me nuts! I used to be antsy about food all of the time when I had my eating disorder, which was probably one of the main reasons for it. I used to have really bad anxiety, for more things other then food of course, it was more of an anxiety of life. But a lot of it generated into food because I could make myself feel better after my bout of anxiousness, by throwing it all up. Many people that have ever had issues with bulimia will tell you that purging is such a release, almost as if it were a drug, where the pressure would build and build until at last I threw up. And as with any other drug, there is a love hate relationship with it. You hate it every day of your life. But it is a part of you that you can't get away from, something that you hold so close to you that if you were to leave it it would be just like leaving your closest friend who knows all of your deep dark secrets. Scared that if it goes away all of your deep dark secrets will be let out.

But that is no way to live. No addiction is worth all of the pain and the pressure and the heartache that it forces you to go through. The loss of you life, from hiding something that is the essence of who you are, and the loss of health, from destroying your body day in and day out, for the sake of doing something you feel that you cant control. The cycle is vicious and all consuming, its amazing how anyone ever makes it out alive. 

Although I am not an addict anymore, I will always be an addict. I will always have the feelings inside of me, and the desires, and most importantly, the memories of the life that I used to live when I was an addict. It sits inside you, like a ball of tears that is stuck in your throat fighting you. You suppress it and suppress it, but it sits there, silent and un noticed to everyone except to you, the person who is having a battle inside themselves to keep it suppressed. And although I have been suppressing the ball of tears for so long now,  sometimes it unknowingly and unwantingly comes to surface. (I can say that a few months is a long time, when a few hours used to be a long time. One day a few years will be a long time)

Today I woke up feeling off wack about my body and myself. I felt strong, but I looked in the mirror way too much. I felt fat in everything I wore that I usually feel good in. I had gained a lb on the scale, and I over analyzed everything that went onto my plate. There are signs of a healthy habit, and signs of a self destructive habit and these were the signs of a self destructive habit. These are the days that I have to continue to make the choice, no matter how hard it is, to be healthy. These are the days where I used to say, the heck with it, I already feel like crap so I may as well eat whatever I want in the house and just throw it up. Then ill feel better. But who does that! 

So I fought with myself today. Its a fine line with food for me on days like this, between eating too much and then hating myself, or eating too little, resulting in the negative compensation for bulimia, which I have vowed to never do. I cant eat too little anyways, cause it kills my performance in running. Its hard to be a runner, cause you know you need to eat a lot in order to maintain performance, and be a person that has obsessive tendencies about food. Its a constant internal battle that I have to deal with. A lot of fine lines with eating too much, too little, running too much, too little, and on and on and on. 

How do I deal with it? One day at a time my friend, and on the days where that is not enough, I take it one step at a time. Most days I am fine with myself, my body, and my actions. But there are many days where I am not, and all I want to do is compensate through addictive behaviors. Sometimes when I am battling an anxious "episode" I literally pace around my kitchen, opening the fridge door, closing it, walking back to the couch, walking to my bedroom, back to the fridge. Opening it, closing it. And if I can mentally handle it for long enough the feelings pass, and I can move on with my day. When I was going through the really hard times, I would force myself to put on my running clothes and lace up my shoes, all while opening and closing the fridge door, and force myself to walk out the door and it was always one step at a time for me. One conscious choice after another to choose the life I wanted, not the life I had.  Maybe that is why I love running so much, cause the only way to get to where you want to be is one step at a time. 

An addict is an addict for the rest of their life. Its is a burden that we bare long after the worst times are over, and maybe it is the burden that is the worst. But always remember that it is your choice... whatever you choose your life to be.