December Life

Life has been complicated lately. Super complicated. I wish I could have watched the movie of my life in advanced, so I would have seen the climax come and then know the outcome before I got my hopes up for two long. Who knew that me being happy and things going well would be a climactic point in my life and not just the way that it could be for a little while. It blows my mind that it can't be that way, things can't just go... well.

I was let go from my job last Friday. My boss called me and said he couldn't afford to pay me and that he was letting me go. It's only funny because we are moving into a new place this coming Wednesday, with a higher rent. It feels kind of like he knew I had decided to finally go ahead and make the step to move, and as soon as I did he left me go. We let the knew landlord know about the situation and we are going to be signing a 3 month lease. If I haven't found work by then, then we can move. I pray that I have. 

My heel is injured and I can't run. I have had so many injuries in my running career, rarely has one actually sidelined me. But every time I set off there is a stabbing pain on the lateral side of my calcaneous. Nothing seems to help it, so I am sure that it is some weird stress fracture and that I cannot run. 

It makes sense because I had JUST made the commitment to do a 5 hour run on New Years Day to try to raise money for the fact that I cannot pay my rent. Now I can't even do a mile. So I will rest and pray that I don't loose my fitness so much that I wont be able to do the run. 

And to top it all off I have decided to quit drinking. This is something that God told me to do. I prayed a lot about it for a long time, and while praying about it, my addiction became stronger. So I have decided to quit. It's not any kind of fun. 

I can't run, can't drink, can't work, and can't pay my bills. 

It is really hard to understand what is going on right now, or why it is going on. I try to be a thankful person in all situations, but what-the-heck, you know? I get that I have had bad luck for so many years because of the decisions that I made when I was younger, but it's been quite a long time since I made SO many dumb choices. We have been struggling for so long, and I am so tired of struggling. We lived modestly, quit smoking, gave our lives to Jesus, stopped partying, starting working hard, don't spend much money and try to love others more then ourselves. 

So what. Now what. What the heck. When does life get better? When do we stop struggling and stop living penny to penny in fear that if anything goes wrong we're screwed. When can we finally get heat for the car, and get my hair cut, and buy a new kitchen bowl and stop worrying about if we will be able to pay our rent that month or what bill we can't make that time.

And I can't even freaking go for a run.