I really need you to call me back...

We are now on to plan C

Or E, or G, or freaking ZZZ. I don't even know what plan I am at anymore. But whatever plan I am on, its the angry plan. I'm angry. 

I try to never get angry. I really really try to stay optimistic in all situations, because I honestly believe that things will suck weather you look optimistically at the situation or pessimistically, and when you look at things optimistically, it tends to make things easier. 

This has always been how I look at life. A long time ago I made the decision not to fail, despite how easy it would be to just give up. It's not me, it's not my personality, I expect way to much out of this life I have to sit around and fail. I have talked time and time again about why I chose the name Choices for my brand. I honestly believe that your life is the result of all of the choices that you make, no matter how conscious or subconscious they are, how big or how small and I promised to make the choice not to fail. 

So I said "Katie, I am sick and tired of you being broke, unhappy and unfulfilled. Your too good for that." Call me crazy to think I am too good for something, go ahead. But I know who I am and I know that I am too good to sit in a tiny apartment with no money and no hope. So I tried. 

And I tried and I tried and I tried. 

And my husband has tried and tried and tried. 

And as we were falling into the hopeless slippage of being just about without money or food, our prayers were answered! I got not only a well paying job, but my dream job at that. 

I look back at it now like a movie. It was a dream. I was literally working my dream job, my husband and I caught up on our bills and *gasp* even bought a few new articles of clothing. (New! Who has ever heard of a word! I thought all clothes were at least 3 years old and already broke in when you bought them.)

We EVEN decided to move out of the awful tiny awkward loud dingy apartment that we lived in which is the one thing that we wanted in life more then anything.  

Life was really amazing. Busy, somewhat stressful, but everything we wanted as a family. 

And then it all fell. 

My boss called me out of the blue, 1 week before thanksgiving. 2 weeks before we were supposed to go on vacation to visit my husbands sister for the holidays, 3 weeks before we were supposed to move.

and laid me off...

Thanks for the hardwork, have a nice life. 

Now I have been through about every kind of difficulty there is. I haven't had an easy adult life, but I thought I had grown out of that. I am tired of it. I am sick and freaking tired of being broke, of worrying about how I am going to pay my rent, about never ever having enough money to do 

ANYTHING!!!!!!

And man I have prayed my butt off. I have been in church, and cried, and received prayer, and sat in my car, and cried out to God, and in my kitchen more times then I can count, praying, pleading and crying. I have been listening to worship music, I have been seeking advice, I have been making promises, and I have been praying and pleading and crying! AND SCREAMING OUT TO GOD!

and nothing...

I'm not asking for wealth, just a decent job for me, a better job for my works-his-butt-off-deserves-better-then-this husband, just enough to pay my bills, by my kid some food, maybe enjoy a movie every once in a blue moon. 

Oh yeah, some health insurance would be nice. (Another one of those taboo words in my household)

God giveth and God taketh away. Yeah yeah, I get it. 

But I also thought God was supposed to provide for His children. For the people that trust in Him through difficult times, have faith no matter what, seek Him and serve Him and praise Him. 

Well it's getting really hard to keep trusting someone who doesn't follow through with His end of the bargain. I know that sounds awful. But like I said, I am angry. I'm just really really angry. 

Why God. Why wont you answer my prayers. Where are you? I need you. I'm calling and calling and calling but you wont call me back. I really need you to call me back....